Welcome back for our second round of The First! writing challenge. Here is this weeks topic:
Who was the first person you told about your pregnancy (besides your significant other)? How far along were you? How did they react?
Looking forward to reading your entries!
January 2012 marks the two year anniversary of Grieve Out Loud.
I can remember our premier like it was yesterday. We weren’t entirely sure how people would find us, or if this would even “work out” — but we felt such a need and deep desire to help others who have experienced the kind of losses we had. We put together an elaborate resource page and created a unique Pen-Pal Program that has become an entire project all of its own.
We’re humbled by the families we have helped throughout the years.
Helping has always been our mission.
Today, on our two year anniversary, we are asking for your help.
We are asking you to please consider a donation to keep our website live. For the past two years our domain space has been graciously donated to us. We will lose our site come January 31, 2012 if we do not find a new provider.
If you would like to see us stick around and continue to help families, please consider a donation today.
Donations can be made through PayPal or mail (address available upon request).
First let me say thank you to all who signed up for our 1st annual Handmade Holiday Gift Exchange. I promise this will bring some extra joy into your holidays. Below is the partners list. Remember you are in charge of contacting your partner for their mailing address!
Partners are listed by e-mail address. Either click the link, or copy the address. The sooner you contact your partners the better, so get crackin’!
Please have your gifts postmarked by December 15! Most of all enjoy yourself! If you have any questions contact us!
Amber Roseberry + Karin Olson Held
Lisa Marie Scullen + Megan Knebel
Jessica Higgins + Kanisha
Sarah Ragusa + Cindy Noble Stout
Stephanie Desjarlais + Tracey Capela
Hannah Roberts + Julie Gratton
Dayna Sabbath + Ang (altermyworld.angw@gmail.com)
Amanda (ilovemypitbull.amanda@gmail.com) + Stephanie Brown
Elizabeth Foor + Laurie Wear
Amanda Glant + Kayce Jones
Kathryn + Elizabeth Howell
Mary Pruitt + Amanda Broder
Erika Kraus + Samantha Doerfler
Ashley Nicholas + Alanna Whiteside
Courtnee Ramirez + Julie
Megan Skaggs + Alexandra Garcia
Nicole Ramsey + Cynthia Prest
Angela (jakinthebox08@gmail.com) + Sarah Casale
Anna Mireles + Sibahan Sanders
Dawn Molisky + Nneka Edwards
Heather Brown + Heather Taylor
Angela Pelissero + Cindra Fox
Tiffany Queener + Kat Davis
Michelle HS + Tanya Knepp
Cindy Carmack + Kendra Stapp
Shelly Adams + Tiffany Rodriguez
Tiffany Evans + Paula (aclassofangels@aol.com)
Toya Williams + Katie N.
Natashia + Melissa Tripp
Celeste + Liza Guillot
Michelle Seibert + Lori Lederer
Alissa + Alicia Karrick
Anna Taylor + Victoria Gregory
Melissa Terrill + Mendy Kew
Amanda Crowe + Lisa (claire2be@hotmail.com)
Koko + Shannon Hauger
Melissa (canole24@aol.com) + Amanda Lawson
Janetta Grigsby + Holly
Stephanie Sotka + Melinda Allen
Kim (kimwyman81@gmail.com) + Cathy Johnson
Melissa Kho + Adrianna Napaluch
Courtney Hagenbuch + Kimberly McIntyre
Carey Bear + Wanda Wieser
Ally (olivepit11@gmail.com) + Jen Marisi
Jenna Edgley + Erica (btrfly7565@yahoo.com)
Elaine + Sarah Dallum
Susan Franks + Kristie Weichel
Saturday, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 p.m. in ALL time zones, all over the world! Snap a picture and share who the candle is burning for.
In the past years many of you have submitted some amazing photos. I would like to keep the tradition going. If you aren’t already, please add us to your FB Page. When you have posted your pictures of your candles, tag us in the photo. In the next few days I will make us a photo collage of all the candles as a keepsake. Also looking for high-res pictures from your memorial activities that are going around in your city. These photos will be used to bring awareness on how important October 15th is and to show in picture how we find ways to remember our children. If you are not on FB please feel free to e-mail us your photos at grieveoutloud@gmail.com
Looking forward to hearing about everyone’s activities on the 15th. Every year more opportunities seem to pop up. Let us keep the awareness out there and remember our children in style!
(Photo from: Sweet Peat Project)
Today is the last day of my 30 days of muchness challenge. Want to take a moment to look back and share some of my experiences with you.
Day 1 was probably the hardest day of my entire challenge. There was a family baby shower happening over Labor Day weekend and I knew I wanted to create something unique for baby H.
It was my first creative project (and baby shower) since my own son died and just the idea of creating something for another baby (boy) had me in limbo. Found some woodblocks at the resale shop a few days prior and with a little burst of creativity I decided to create some nursery artwork. With the help of some black acrylic paint, a sharpie, a ruler and spray adhesive I began digging into my fabric stash and pulling out some of my favorite swatches.
By day 3 my present was complete with an added bonus of swatches used in my son’s nursery. Now a little piece of my son will be shared with their new family.
Day 13 was a prep day for my husband’s birthday. Decided early on that I would create monster cupcakes for him. Went to the candy store and bought loads of penny candies for decorating.
Day 14 was his birthday and so began hand-creating 30 uniquely different cupcakes. Along the way I found myself creating cupcakes for our son, since his birthday would be coming up next. Decided right then and there that this year I would ask my friends and family to honor our son by making or buying a cupcake and sending us a picture.
Day 17 I gather my son’s urn and carried him downstairs to take his annual picture next to his memorial jade plant. It’s amazing to see how much his plant has grown!
Day 18 was his 2 year birthday. We spent the day at Kings Island and made sure to walk through Planet Snoopy in his honor. When we returned home my best friend surprised me with a visit. She wrote his name out in cupcakes and goodies and it really made my day.
Later that evening a friend sent me a picture of her jade plant and a cupcake for our boy. It was another heart-warmer because I actually took a cutting from my jade plant to send to her in memory of her son R.
Day 28 I woke up to balloons and candy! I thought for sure my husband got his days mixed up. Comes to find out he wanted to kick off my 30th birthday with 3 days of celebration!
Day 29 I woke up to a beautiful fall mum with a note “A mum for Mom” (which totally melted my heart!)
Day 30 it was all about my chocolate cake!!!!!
:::::
I hope you have enjoyed the look back on my 30 days of muchness. Thanks to all who followed my journey and kept me on the muchness track. Special thanks to Tova for thinking this up and sharing it with us! If you are interested in taking the muchness challenge yourself, click here for all the info.
Our next Online Support Group Chat Session is scheduled for this Monday, August 29th, starting at 9 p.m. eastern time.
This months topic will be Baby Showers.
We will share ideas, stories and memories from our own showers along with discussing how attending baby showers for friends and family makes us feel after our loss.
Our Group Sessions are through tinychat.com and it is very simple (and free) to join us!
1) Visit http://tinychat.com/grieveoutloud
2) When prompted the password is: babyloss (the password to broadcast your webcame is also babyloss)
It’s that easy!
Hope you can join our meeting! Even if you don’t have a lot of time, we would love for you to jump in and say hello. At the end of this meeting we will talk about next months topic. What would you like the topic to be?
We would like to invite you to join us for our next online support group chat scheduled for Thursday, July 28th starting at 6 p.m. eastern time. Since it has been several months since our last meeting, it will be a meet and greet. We are planning to host these online support group chats every last Thursday of each month, so mark your calendars in advance!
To join us please visit www.tinychat.com/grieveoutloud
Tinychat is a free video chat room with no special downloads. Please visit tinychat.com to setup an account to join us!
The Story Behind ‘The Nest’ by Cindy Noble Stout
“After marrying my high school sweetheart and waiting for our college graduation and his graduation from medical school, we were more than ready to start a family two years after that. After trying to get pregnant for more than a year, we were thrilled when I found out I would be having a baby the following summer. Whirlwinds of buying maternity clothes and outfitting the baby’s room occupied the first few months. Oh, how happy and excited we were! But deep down, I knew something wasn’t quite right. I had been cramping since the third month with some spotting. My doctor told me that most likely everything was fine. But it wasn’t.
On May 19, when I was more than six months along, I experienced the worst pain imaginable both physically and emotionally. I lost my baby. They called it a miscarriage and I wasn’t allowed to see the baby that was delivered – too small to live. To make things worse, I was told my baby was “flushed away” and that I was silly for wanting some sort of funeral service or memorial.
I was devastated. I felt empty. I didn’t think the sun would ever shine again. I didn’t want to go on. Nobody understood. I was alone.
I did not grieve properly. I was told to “move on” with my life as if my baby’s life didn’t happen. No one seemed to understand. It seemed best to try not to talk about it. To try not to think. To try not to feel.
And so, I buried the pain for many, many years. Some say I was not the same after the loss of my baby. Some say it caused the breakup of my first marriage of twenty-five years – to the father of my baby.
A couple of years ago, I was watching a bird build her nest in our backyard. Every morning I went out to check on the progress of the nest. The mama bird was building her nest at eye level so I could see each step of the way. Finally the nest was built and the mama bird laid just one egg. I waited with eager anticipation to see the baby bird come into this world. One morning I went out and I found the nest empty – no egg. Nothing. I saw the mama bird on a phone wire nearby. I was overcome with sadness – more than what would be normal for a situation like this I cried for hours. My husband encouraged me to write my feelings down. The words raced from my mind onto paper. And then it finally became clear to me. The empty nest was symbolic of the loss of my baby years earlier.
Through the words I wrote down, I was finally able to grieve my loss. And it was finally “okay” to grieve – to let it all out, to cry, to scream, to get angry and sad. My husband has been in the music business for many years. He took my words and composed a melody to go with them. My words became the lyrics to the song he wrote. It’s called “The Nest.”
Although the song is sad, it helped me work through my grief. I am a happier, healthier person today because I finally grieved the loss of my baby that I lost almost exactly thirty years ago.
I invite you to listen to my song. To those of you who share a loss similar to mine, please know that it’s ok to be sad, to grieve. But, please, PLEASE do not be alone. There are others who understand and can help you through this terribly difficult time in your life. I wish Grieve Out Loud was available when I first lost my baby. How wonderful this organization is!
Thank you for listening. If you have any comments, please feel to leave them on the YouTube web site or you can contact me directly through e-mail.”
:::
Thank you Cindy for sharing your story and beautiful song/video with us! Hope this inspires our readers to put their words of grief into such beautiful and creative works of art.
Erica McNeal is one amazing gal! Not only is she a babyloss mama five times over, she is also a multiple cancer survivor. She found the strength to publish a reference guide entitled Good Grief! and we are honored to share her journey here. She hand-crafted a special note just for you.
:::::
I knew I had a high-risk pregnancy.
I was prepared my cancer may return while pregnant and was ready to face those potential complications. However, I was not prepared for an unknown factor that would force my body to go into labor at eighteen, twenty and ultimately twenty-two and a half weeks gestation.
I had been placed on bed rest for three months when a sub-chorionic hemorrhage threatened my pregnancy. At my eighteen-week visit, during an ultrasound, the technician could see that my cervix was already dilating. I was given medication, but went into labor two days later.
I was already 3.5 cm dilated when the hospital doctor’s saw me. I pleaded with them to do everything in their power to keep me pregnant. With a triple threat of drugs and my body nearly shaking out of the bed, my labor stopped. My contractions went away and my cervix closed. I was completely shocked – I didn’t even know that was possible!
About one and a half weeks later, I went into labor again and repeated the same procedures, breathing a sigh of relief when the labor easily stopped.
But on June 11th, 2007, my labor picked up again. A friend took me to the hospital and I told my husband not to worry about leaving work. I had every expectation the doctor’s would be able to stop my labor again.
But, I was wrong.
By the time I had gotten to labor and delivery, my cervix was gone. I was already 4 cm dilated and there was nothing my doctor’s could do. The only thing keeping my little girl from coming into the world was a pessary that my doctor’s had put into place just weeks before.
With my husband rushing to the hospital, I had to make a decision no parent should ever have to make: my life or hers?
My doctor’s feared I may have a rare condition called “placenta accreta” where the placenta burrows deeply into scar tissue. Since I had a previous c-section, and everything else had been ruled out, the fear was that my uterus could rupture after delivery when the placenta naturally pulled away from the uterine walls.
The only problem was the hospital we were at did not have the medical facilities to care for a baby as small as our daughter was. I would have to be transferred to another hospital forty-five minutes away by ambulance. There was a very real possibility I would deliver her in the ambulance and if my uterus ruptured, there would be nothing the ambulance staff could do for me. I would die!
I understood the great potential for severe medical conditions for our baby girl. I understood she would have less than a 1% chance to live and I understood she could only live for a few hours. But, against my doctor’s advice, I told him I wanted to be transferred to the other hospital. I felt like if God wanted to give this child life, who was I to take it away?
I signed the transfer paperwork and everyone walked out of the room. While my friend was in the hallway, frantically trying to reach my husband, I prayed silently.
“God, if the end result is going to be the same, whether I have her here or there, please let me have her here!”
I don’t even think I said, “Amen”, when an immediate peace came upon me. I knew I would not make it to the other hospital. As I called for the nurse, my contractions went immediately to thirty seconds and my husband came flying through the door.
Not even five minutes later, Kylie Joy was born. She was beautifully perfect, my tiny little 15 oz, 11-inch baby girl. She had little tufts of brown hair, a cute little button nose and long legs. She was absolutely gorgeous.
As we held Kylie as she died, my husband and I began to grieve all of the hopes and dreams we had for our family. The daughter we would not be able to hug and kiss whenever we wanted; the little sister to our living daughter, who was so excited about her new best friend. The little girl whose hair we would never braid, or watch play sports, or walk down the aisle on her wedding day.
Kylie lived for eighty minutes, but her short life and ultimate death rocked our worlds.
The first year grieving Kylie was the most difficult year of my life. I was a hot mess, working through the extreme guilt believing that I had killed my own daughter. Sometimes there were no words to express my emotions and I would simply cry. At times I wanted to be by myself, other times I needed so desperately for someone to sit with me in silence. I even needed to laugh occasionally! What I needed changed constantly on my unpredictable journey of grief!
Even now four years later, I struggle! I miss her. I miss what our family could have looked like. I still grieve the broken dreams, just mostly in silence now. I still get teary-eyed on her birthday, when I hear another child with the same name, and at times when my living daughter talks about how much she wants a sister.
For the first couple of years, we had no idea how our family and friends could come alongside our family. We were in the middle of a grief we had never experienced before and a pain we could not comprehend. We had no idea what we needed or what others could do to help.
At the same time, our family and friends wanted so desperately to help, but had no idea what they could do. They too experienced their own first time emotions as they grieved with our family. The problem was this caused a disparity; conflict and a lot of unmet expectations, on both sides.
While people meant well, sometimes their words came out wrong – very wrong! At times when the absolute most grace was needed, people rendered us completely speechless by their insensitive comments.
As I have supported many women through child-loss over the last four years, I have been shocked to find how common these hurtful words really are. This led to a desire to help fill the gap between people that are suffering that don’t know what they need and their loved ones that don’t know what to do.
My new eBook, Good Grief! provides tangible ideas of how to love someone going through unspeakable grief, through words and actions.
Words That Can Be Misunderstood: “At least she didn’t live long enough for you to get attached!”
Words That Encourage: “I don’t know what to say, but I love you!”
Actions That Are Intentional: Understand that the pain of grief can sometimes get in the way of grieving. Provide outlets for your loved one such as golfing or poker night for men and dinner or a spa day for women.
Until October 11th, 2011 all proceeds from the sales of Good Grief!, are going directly to families in the middle of facing their own difficult trials: A thirty-three year old woman battling a relapsed cancer and two families adopting high medical needs children.
What my family is attempting to do is less about selling an eBook and more about tangibly coming alongside these three incredible families. If I can provide some insight through times of tragedy AND help meet these financial needs, my perspective is that this is a win-win situation.
More information is also available at my website.
:::::
Thank you Erica. While we know your time is stretched so thin, you manged to write this beautiful piece. We wish you all the luck in the world mama!
Ready for our last opening?
We want Grieve Out Loud to be easily accessible to the families that need it. We want to spread the news of what we do and how we can help. If you know of ways that will help, perhaps this is the gig for you! Contact Julie if interested!
:::::
There you have it folks. Four different ways you can help Grieve Out Loud continue to grow and Give Back to our babyloss community. Here is a recap on openings:
1) Content Developers – helping us write material for Facebook, Our Online Support Group Meetings and GOL.org content.
2) Being a New Pen-Pal for families.
3) PR opportunities with helping us Spread the Word.
4) Plus the Open Call for any original content from our readers!
Thank you all for your time and interest. We look forward to reading your ideas and working with you all.
