Grieve Out Loud

An article by Judith Johnson of the Huffington Post was sent to me and I wanted to pass it along to the rest of you. The holidys can be so difficult and there are some really great tips on how to honor our babes during the holidays.

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1. Pay attention and be ruthlessly honest with yourself about what you feel and what you need to do and not do as you move through this holiday season. Whether you have other people to coordinate your plans with or are facing the holidays alone, be as true to yourself as possible. Others may try to include you in their plans, or they may not, but it is really up to you to figure out what would be best for you. If you feel like sitting home in your pajamas sipping hot chocolate and crying or nibbling on cold pizza crust from the night before, that’s OK. If you feel happy and want to joyfully participate in the holidays — that’s OK, too. Don’t judge your truth, just live it and trust your own inner wisdom to carry you through.
2. Be patient, kind and compassionate with yourself about what is true for you. There are no set rules about how to face the holidays carrying the loss of a loved one. This is a very personal matter. For many of us, the holidays trigger memories of thoughts, feelings, tastes, smells, rituals and traditions shared with our loved one. Without this person, the holidays may feel hollow and meaningless. If possible, reach for the deeper meaning of these holy days and the privilege of having shared them with someone you loved. Sometimes we take that for granted until we lose it. So, if your loss feels overwhelming, consider transforming it into gratitude for the blessing of having had this person in your life who touched you so deeply.
3. Take loving care of yourself. Grief takes many forms. You might find yourself lethargic or grumpy or somehow out of sorts. That’s OK. Just stay focused on what is happening inside you and tend to yourself as you would to anyone else you love deeply. Love yourself deeply through this time.
4. Anticipate and plan ahead. Don’t wait for others to make plans for you that may or may not have anything at all to do with what you really need. Face your truth and communicate what you need this year to those with whom you would otherwise be spending the holidays. If you have no one, consider new options like volunteering in your community, spending a quiet holiday by yourself or asking someone to include you in part of their festivities. You might even take a trip to either avoid the whole experience or to immerse yourself in another culture’s interpretation of the holidays.
5. Make room for your grief or sadness. Grief is a very private matter, and the holidays have a way of magnifying it. Welcome your grief. Your sadness and tears are expressions of the healing process of letting go and moving forward into your life without your loved one. If you try to postpone or ignore your grief, it will find other ways to manifest and demand your attention. So, be open to your grieving and trust that it is healing.
6. If appropriate, create a new ritual to honor the memory of your deceased loved one as you celebrate the holidays. My mother and I decorated shoe boxes that we put under the Christmas tree. Each of us would take time to write little messages of love and appreciation for the other, put them in each other’s box and then read them on Christmas morning. I am immersing myself in our love this Christmas by rereading our messages and adding new notes of appreciation for my mother’s love. By putting the names of people who have loved me on the tags of all the presents I have bought myself, I am also remembering them and surrounding myself with their love this Christmas.
7. Remember that the holidays will pass. Chances are they will present challenges. Rise to the occasion and take good care of your sweet self.

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For the full article, please click here.

Today we honor National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Day. Please join us in lighting a candle at 7 p.m. (all time zones) to honor all the babies who are no longer with us. May this day be full of peace with the presences of hope, love and light. We love you all.

Grieve Out Loud is always striving to find new ways to help reach friends and families dealing with pregnancy and infant loss. Today we announce a very important Pen-Pal. Someone who has personally helped me through the roughest patches of my own grief. Someone who represents an entire generation of individuals who might not have a voice in grief.

She represents all the Grandparents of pregnancy and infant loss. The loss of a grandchild is just as heartbreaking for grandma and grandpa as it is for mother and father. Their grief is doubled. Seeing their son/daughter in pain along with grieving for their grandchild. They often grieve in silence as not to upset the family. Please take a moment to thank Koko for joining GOL and read a little bit about her experience with losing a grandchild.

“At my senior center, I have encountered several situations that have truly hurt me. For example, some one will announce the birth of their new grand baby and show off pictures, or tell how they were in the delivery room. Most will avoid you like the plague once they know. Like losing a baby is contagious.”

Koko can also help with things such as the subject of explaining death (age appropriately) to living grandchildren, tips on how to interact with living grandchildren without becoming (overly) emotional, or crafting memorial projects with the grandchildren.

If you have any questions, or would like to join Koko as part of the Grandparents Pen-Pals please contact us at grieveoutloud@gmail.com

*Photo Masterfile.com

While pregnant I was reading dozens of pregnancy-related blogs. I couldn’t get enough of seeing ‘baby bump’ pictures, nursery pictures, and reading similar stories about the anxiety and fear of child birth. I found it comforting to know that I wasn’t alone in the world of motherhood. At the time I did not have my own blog, but planned on starting one after my son was born. To share him with the world.

But my baby died and theirs didn’t.
I hated them for that. And so, they all had to go.
Delete, delete, delete.

I did however start a blog. Instead of sharing bright, colorful pictures of my newborn son – I had a handful of black and white photos of his lifeless body to share. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

What I didn’t know was that there was a community out there for us. An entire babyloss community where men and women poured their hearts and souls out just like I was. A place where everyone’s story ended the same and we all knew exactly what it felt like. A safe place where babies and pregnancy was tucked away until we were ready to deal with it. A wonderful new way of life.

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How to start a blog:

You don’t have to be a computer whiz or Mrs. Moneybags. WordPress.com and Blogger.com are two very popular services and both are free to use. Just follow the simple online instructions to activate your blog and you will be on your way. There are also privacy settings you can place on your blog such as subscription readers only, encase you don’t want the entire world to read your posts.

How to spread the word of your blog’s existence:

Now that you have some posts under your belt, it is time to connect to the babyloss community at large.

Melissa over at Stirrup Queen has the most awesomely anal list of blogs you could ever imagine. If you would like to have your blog listed with her, simply shoot her an e-mail and she will get you squared away. Lost and Found and Connections Abound is also another wonderful website to follow for updates on other babyloss mama’s along with submitting your own news.

Glow in the Woods is another great resource for sharing your blog, along with reading and interacting with their thought-provoking posts.

We at Grieve Out Loud would also like to begin posting links to your blogs. Our Team Page has links to our personal blogs and we invite you all to share your URL and a brief description of your loss(es) so we can publish them.

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Blogging might not be for everyone, but we encourage all of you to speak your grief. Grieve out loud.

To share your loss blog please comment or send an e-mail to grieveoutloud@gmail.com

A few nights ago, grief overpowered me. My son’s first birthday is soon approaching and my mind went dark. As a bereaved parent, the bad days are beyond bad. I could not express my pain in words, so instead I took some photographs. I originally posted these photos on my personal blog, and wanted to share the result with you.

They are painful to look at, but this is what it looks like to lose a child.

In the end, the process made me feel better. Made it easier to show people what grief looks like instead of trying to use descriptive words that still do not explain the hurt and pain I suffer.

…and I know you feel it too.

*As part of our Care Packages, I have sent some of our Pen-Pals cuts from my son’s Jade Plant. Here is the full story.*

On September 18th, 2009 my son, Evel was born still. A few days after we returned from the hospital, my husband and I started a Jade Plant in his honor.

(My son’s urn [yes, a Hello Kitty boy!] and his Jade Plant.)

It has been a pleasure watching his Jade Plant grow. We just pasted the nine month mark and it amazes me how big his plant has grown. That is why I have decided to share my pleasures with some of you.

You don’t have to be a green thumb to start a small memory plant for your baby. Jade plants grow both indoors and out, although we keep ours indoors. Just place the leaf or stem in a small pot, pack it with lots of soil and give it a generous watering. If you received a leaf, it will take longer for it to grow roots, but just be patient, it will stem off. Jades like lots of sun, so make sure to put it near a window.

There are hundreds of other plants and flowers you can purchase besides Jade. A close friend of ours started a small memorial planter with Forget Me Nots:

Bleeding Hearts are another beautiful alternative.

In short, Jade Plants are my personal favorite for memorial plants. They grow with such ease and are beautiful to look at. I hope that those of you who have received a cut from the Evel Tree will plant it with love and know that we are thinking of you and your family at this difficult time. We also hope you send us some pictures so we can post them!

My nesting instincts were fierce in my last trimester. I could have cleaned circles around Alice from The Brady Bunch the day before I went into labor. In fact, my husband once ‘busted me’ cleaning the tiny cracks between the bathroom tiles with a q-tip. Anyways…

Besides cleaning, my creative side emerged too. The hands-on crafty earth mother who wanted everything my son would play with and wear to be handmade. His nursery was completely custom made, down to the crib sheets. We’re talking curtains and quilts and onesies, even hats and gloves. It was a very creative time for me. For all of us really.

…but when our son was born still and we can home empty-armed, my creative juices died too. My sewing machine was shoved in a corner and collected inches upon inches of dog and cat hair. All his handmade clothes were shoved deep into the dresser drawers we decoupaged. His crib was torn down in mere seconds and everything ‘baby’ was shoved into a closet. Out of sight, out of mind.

Weeks went by and the thought of creating something with my hands was no where to be found. It felt painful to create something that wasn’t for him.

But one day something caught my eye and my creativity sparked. And soon I found myself digging through my scrap fabric bin sewing random fabric swatches together – not really creating ‘anything’ just creating ‘something.’

What we ended up with was a creation for my son using all the scrap fabric from all of the projects I ever created for him. Pieces from his crib sheets, his curtains, his little hoodie – everything. It looked like this:

At that moment my creative solution for my pain, my loneliness and especially my grief was sewing. Sewing this goofy fish-like character in my son’s honor. It’s something that I will cherish forever. It’s like holding a tiny piece of my broken heart.

Submitted by Julie M.

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What kind of projects did you tackle after your loss? We’d love to know!