Grieve Out Loud

The year we lost our son I participated in a handmade gift exchange hosted by Mother Henna. It truly helped us get through our very first Christmas after our loss. It was such an inspiration. This year we have teamed up with Faces of Loss to create the 2011 Handmade Holiday Gift Exchange!

The call for participants is NOW OPEN! If you are interested in joining please leave a comment including your name and either your blog url or e-mail address. The cut-off date for all participants will be November 13th! November 14th we will post the partners list so make sure to check back then.

Here are the guidelines:

– This exchange is open to everyone from anywhere. You might end up with an overseas partner. Keep that in mind when shipping.

– Please have your package(s) post marked by December 15th. If you miss the date please contact your partner and let them know when to expect it.

– You will be contacting your partner for their mailing address. This will be a great opportunity to ask them about their loss and how you might incorporate them into your project.

Here are some tips & tricks:

– Don’t be afraid to ask your partner questions. The more you know about them, the more ideas you will have. Research things like birthstones or zodiac signs. Find out what their favorite color is. Your gift should be from your heart to theirs. Anything is possible.

– You can create using any type of medium you feel comfortable with, so long as it is handmade! Some examples include: baked goods, drawings, paintings, ornaments, jewelry, picture frames, fiber art and knits, photography, wall art, candles, music, cards, or tags. Think etsy.com!

– Make sure to snap photos of your work-in-progress and the finished piece(s). We would like to do a photo collage of some of the projects you created.

– If you have any questions feel free to contact us!

To help spread the word please share this graphic on your blog or website.

We look forward to seeing what you create!

ENTRIES ARE NOW CLOSED!

Saturday, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 p.m. in ALL time zones, all over the world! Snap a picture and share who the candle is burning for.

In the past years many of you have submitted some amazing photos. I would like to keep the tradition going. If you aren’t already, please add us to your FB Page. When you have posted your pictures of your candles, tag us in the photo. In the next few days I will make us a photo collage of all the candles as a keepsake. Also looking for high-res pictures from your memorial activities that are going around in your city. These photos will be used to bring awareness on how important October 15th is and to show in picture how we find ways to remember our children. If you are not on FB please feel free to e-mail us your photos at grieveoutloud@gmail.com

Looking forward to hearing about everyone’s activities on the 15th. Every year more opportunities seem to pop up. Let us keep the awareness out there and remember our children in style!

(Photo from: Sweet Peat Project)

Today is the last day of my 30 days of muchness challenge. Want to take a moment to look back and share some of my experiences with you.

Day 1 was probably the hardest day of my entire challenge. There was a family baby shower happening over Labor Day weekend and I knew I wanted to create something unique for baby H.

It was my first creative project (and baby shower) since my own son died and just the idea of creating something for another baby (boy) had me in limbo. Found some woodblocks at the resale shop a few days prior and with a little burst of creativity I decided to create some nursery artwork. With the help of some black acrylic paint, a sharpie, a ruler and spray adhesive I began digging into my fabric stash and pulling out some of my favorite swatches.

By day 3 my present was complete with an added bonus of swatches used in my son’s nursery. Now a little piece of my son will be shared with their new family.

Day 13 was a prep day for my husband’s birthday. Decided early on that I would create monster cupcakes for him. Went to the candy store and bought loads of penny candies for decorating.

Day 14 was his birthday and so began hand-creating 30 uniquely different cupcakes. Along the way I found myself creating cupcakes for our son, since his birthday would be coming up next. Decided right then and there that this year I would ask my friends and family to honor our son by making or buying a cupcake and sending us a picture.

Day 17 I gather my son’s urn and carried him downstairs to take his annual picture next to his memorial jade plant. It’s amazing to see how much his plant has grown!

Day 18 was his 2 year birthday. We spent the day at Kings Island and made sure to walk through Planet Snoopy in his honor. When we returned home my best friend surprised me with a visit. She wrote his name out in cupcakes and goodies and it really made my day.

Later that evening a friend sent me a picture of her jade plant and a cupcake for our boy. It was another heart-warmer because I actually took a cutting from my jade plant to send to her in memory of her son R.

Day 28 I woke up to balloons and candy! I thought for sure my husband got his days mixed up. Comes to find out he wanted to kick off my 30th birthday with 3 days of celebration!

Day 29 I woke up to a beautiful fall mum with a note “A mum for Mom” (which totally melted my heart!)

Day 30 it was all about my chocolate cake!!!!!

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I hope you have enjoyed the look back on my 30 days of muchness. Thanks to all who followed my journey and kept me on the muchness track. Special thanks to Tova for thinking this up and sharing it with us! If you are interested in taking the muchness challenge yourself, click here for all the info.

Two years ago today, my life (and womb) was jam-packed of muchness. It was such an exciting time for all of us. We were expecting our first child, a son come late September.

Everything was beautiful. Beauty surrounded me inside and out. On my daily walks with the dog, I would stop and watch the families play in the park. At the grocery store, the clerks always asked about the baby and how I was feeling. At night I would lay awake smiling while my son had his “late night dance parties.”

My creativity was also peaking and my fingertips ached to create. My mom and I would meet up weekly for sewing dates. We would spend hours picking out the perfect fabrics to make crib sheets, curtains, clothing and blankets. We created artwork for the nursery walls, decoupaged the dresser drawers and collected vintage Fisher Price toys for him to play with.

At thirty-six weeks the only thing left to finish off the nursery was our son.

…he never made it home though.

Our baby boy was stillborn on September 18th, 2009 at thirty-seven weeks.

And with his death, my life (and womb) lost all of its muchness.

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Life became as still as my son. Nothing made me feel better. My muchness for anything I found joy in was gone.

I stopped walking the dog because I couldn’t handle seeing all the happy families and babies in buggies. We were terrified to go to the grocery store — scared someone would ask about the baby. Dreaded going to bed at night. Tossed and turned and would sometimes cup my stomach wishing I could feel his feet dancing inside me one last time.

My creativity took the biggest blow. Just the thought of working with my hands to create something made me sick to my stomach. To this day I have not fired up my sewing machine, held a paint brush, or followed through on a creative idea.

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I lost two years of my muchness and the last two years of my 20′s.

That changes today.

September 1st starts the thirty day countdown to my 30th birthday and I invite you to follow me on my Thirty before 30 Muchness Challenge!

This will be a life challenge. Turning 30 is proving to be a difficult transition for me, however this challenge will help me see the positive in turning 30 instead of the negative.

Hope my muchness can forgive me for neglecting her so much. I know the muchness is still there, it might just look and feel different now. Hope you will join me!

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I will be posting weekly updates on my 30 days of muchness journey here. Feel free to follow my daily progress as I try to reconnect with my creative side.

Our next Online Support Group Chat Session is scheduled for this Monday, August 29th, starting at 9 p.m. eastern time.
This months topic will be Baby Showers.
We will share ideas, stories and memories from our own showers along with discussing how attending baby showers for friends and family makes us feel after our loss.

Our Group Sessions are through tinychat.com and it is very simple (and free) to join us!

1) Visit http://tinychat.com/grieveoutloud

2) When prompted the password is: babyloss (the password to broadcast your webcame is also babyloss)

It’s that easy!

Hope you can join our meeting! Even if you don’t have a lot of time, we would love for you to jump in and say hello. At the end of this meeting we will talk about next months topic. What would you like the topic to be?

On September 1st, 2011 I will be participating in the 30 Days of Muchness project created by the lovely Tova Gold, a fellow babyloss mama who lost her identical twin girls, Sunshine and Daisy to TTTS. I will be sharing highlights from my journey with you. Here is the scoop on her project and how you can take the challenge as well. Thank you Tova for taking the time to share this amazing project with us. You are such an amazing and inspiring woman!

– Julie, Grieve Out Loud Founder

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“I used to be Much Muchier, But then I lost my Muchness.”
I read this quote, from Alice In Wonderland, and it changed my life.

I thought, “That’s me!” I used to be much Muchier! I used to be vibrant and confident! Full of optimism, positivity. As I got older, got married, got into the routine of a job, marriage, kids… ya know, life- my Muchness started fading. I felt at the time it was a small trade-off for the things I did have – a great husband, a beautiful daughter, a reliable job. But then, I lost my babies. And whatever was left of my Muchness died with them.

I was almost twenty-four weeks pregnant, carrying high-risk Identical twin girls, forever nicknamed Sunshine and Daisy. We were being heavily monitored for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) and we were finally getting to the point where I started to believe I may be lucky enough to bring home two healthy babies.

And then, in an instant, they were gone.

Like all moms who have experienced babyloss, I started navigating through the unknown darkness that is The Grieving Process. And it was a hell I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

Soon there after I was pregnant again. Though I was excited and grateful to be carrying a healthy baby girl, I was overwhelmed by all the things I now knew could go wrong, and I was still very much in grief. A few weeks into that pregnancy, I decided it was not fair to myself or the new baby I was carrying to allow my grief to completely overwhelm my joy. But it’s not that easy. Grief is not a faucet you can just turn off. I felt like I just needed a spark of something joyful to help me feel even a little less depressed. And so, I started wearing sequins. Little bits, here and there, somehow helped me to be in a better mood! It seems silly, but it was almost as if the light of the sequins on the outside, helped make up for the darkness I was feeling on the inside.

I started mentioning my sequins obsession on the babyloss boards where I was a member. At first, I assumed the women there thought I was nuts. But soon I started receiving emails “I saw some sequins today and it made me think of you and it brightened my day!” or “I really didn’t want to go (somewhere), but I wore a sparkly headband and it really cheered me up!”

And then, I read that sentence “I used to be Much Muchier, But then I lost my Muchness.”  That was it! The sequins were helping me tap into my long lost Muchness! On a lark, I decided to challenge myself to wear sequins every day for 30 days. It was to be my ’30 Days Of Muchness Challenge.’ I photographed my sequins every day and shared it on my Facebook wall. The response was truly overwhelming. People were so responsive and encouraging and inspired!! And for me, it was tremendously healing. I was finding my Muchness, and I was finding Myself. Reminding myself who I had been, learning who I now am, and being true to myself. After my 30 days I started my blog to bring The Muchness to a larger audience.

Since then lots of women have joined in to take the 30 Days Of Muchness Challenge on the site. Everyone’s Muchness is different, it’s not sparkle for everyone, and taking the 30 Day Challenge helps them remember what theirs is. It reminds them what they are grateful for. What gives their spirits a lift. What, besides their losses or hardships or challenges, truly defines them. They remember how to be happy. And how to find that happiness in the everyday.

And now, I am SO PSYCHED  and honored that Julie from Grieve Out Loud has decided to take the Challenge!!! It’s eye-opening and so interesting to follow along with the challengers as they tentatively start their journey, unsure how they will feel in 30 Days. Will they really keep up with the challenge? Will it really affect them? Is it worth the hassle? (yes, yes, and um, yes.)

I hope you’ll follow along with Julie on her journey – and join in and take it yourself! It’s so easy to participate, anyone can do it – you can even do it from your smart  phone!

It is truly
30 Days of Life
30 Days of Color
30 Days of Sparkle
30 Days of Fun
30 Days of Found Joy
30 Days of Healing
30 Days of Happy

Visit the site to read more about The Muchness Movement, meet the challengers, and check out the sequined Muchness Bands- they are ‘little bits of light to help you find your way through darkness.”

Thanks soooo much!
xox,
Tova

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Stay tuned for highlights from my 30 Day Muchness Challenge starting September 1st, 2011!

Ready for our last opening?

We want Grieve Out Loud to be easily accessible to the families that need it. We want to spread the news of what we do and how we can help. If you know of ways that will help, perhaps this is the gig for you! Contact Julie if interested!

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There you have it folks. Four different ways you can help Grieve Out Loud continue to grow and Give Back to our babyloss community. Here is a recap on openings:

1) Content Developers – helping us write material for Facebook, Our Online Support Group Meetings and GOL.org content.

2) Being a New Pen-Pal for families.

3) PR opportunities with helping us Spread the Word.

4) Plus the Open Call for any original content from our readers!

Thank you all for your time and interest. We look forward to reading your ideas and working with you all.

Every day we strive to help families find their way back to life after loss. It’s not always easy, or pretty but in the end we build beautiful relationships with people from all over the world. I recently had an idea that some of you might be interested in.

I am pleased to announce our Give Back Project.

At some point in our journey, we have the urge to give back. Some people will participate in remembrance walks, donate money or items to their favorite charities, knit blankets and hats for hospitals or even create their own organizations. Some people are still trying to figure out what they want to do in honor of their children. This might just be your calling!

We are expanding in big ways here and are very excited to share these opportunities with you. We will be looking for new team members, content developers and other volunteers who are ready to help us give back to the community. We will begin posting our openings here and on our Facebook page. If you feel you have the time and energy to fill the openings please contact us.

Trying to Try to Conceive – By Kristine Brite McCormick

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I ran a congenital heart defects nonprofit working with pregnant women and women trying to conceive so I feel well versed in the things I need to do before even trying to conceive. I guess you could say I’m trying to try to conceive. That is I’m getting my mind and body ready. I approached Grieve Out Loud and asked if I could write about it here so that I can hopefully help others in the same position and meet other moms that are TTTC (Trying to Try to Conceive, of course). As a baby loss mother, I know full well that sometimes things go wrong. Things don’t always just work out. The scary statistics and stories you read about really do happen.

But, I also know that babies live. I know I can only do my best for my next child. I know that my first daughter’s heart defect was probably not my fault, but that doesn’t mean I should research and do as much as I can to get my body in to shape before getting ready for our next child.

Most of the things I’m getting in order before trying again have to do with risk factors for congenital heart defects. I’m basing these on studies and current research. If you know of anything that a woman should do before having another baby, please chime in with comments.

Preparing Physically

I’m overweight. This is a risk factor for not only CHD, but other birth defects. Personally, I’m just going to set a goal of losing 30 or 40 pounds so that I feel better and cut my risk. I think it’s important to be gentle and set realistic weight goals. So, yep, I’m losing weight just to get fat again (with a preggo belly).

Getting in shape is something I plan on doing. I want to feel my best while pregnant. I’ve suffered from Postpartum Depression (even more fun when there is no baby) and know that I’m at a higher risk for prenatal depression. Setting up an exercise routine now should help.I’m taking folic acid. Studies suggest you take folic acid all the time while trying to conceive. Some studies say to take folic acid only for about three months before getting pregnant.

I stopped drinking caffeinated beverages to prepare. Caffeine zaps your body of iron so it’s recommended to stop before getting pregnant. If you can’t stop, start weaning yourself. Many doctors will let their patients drink a limited amount of caffeine while pregnant.

I’m going to the doctor for a check up and for tests. This one is self explainable.

Preparing My Life

My husband and I are going to make sure we have an emergency fund and are relatively secure financially. Again, we’re not going to go overboard. We’ve set gentle and realistic goals.

I plan on interviewing midwives, doulas and doctors before starting to try. I know I’m going to need a provider I really know and trust.

Preparing Mentally

This is by far the hardest. Like many of my fellow baby loss mothers, I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and am absolutely terrified something will happen again. I’m not even sure how to work through this at this point, but I know I’m going to seek help and talk about it.

I’m reminding myself that sometimes, they live. That I can do this. I’m finding my support system and reminding myself to be extra gentle.

What have I missed? How are you trying to try to conceive?

Kristine Brite McCormick blogs about her road to a second child at www.raintorainbow.com. She’s preparing to try to conceive her second child in Fall 2011.

A few weeks ago we created a Trying to Conceive (TTC) and Pregnancy after Loss Questionnaire. Over twenty-five wonderful women in the babyloss community participated in this questionnaire, giving us their heart-felt tips, tricks, truths and more. Over the course of several weeks we will be sharing some of the popular questions and answers in hopes to help you on your journey.

Whether you are in a waiting period, thinking about trying again, pregnant, or about to experience birth after loss please join in!

(Note: We are not medical experts. Please follow the advice of your medical professional.)

When did you first realize you wanted to try again?

“I knew from the moment I held my daughter in my arms that I had to try again. I didn’t know when we’d actually be ready to do it, but I knew I had to have the experience of giving birth and holding my baby in my arms again.”- Grieve Out Loud co-founder, Heather M.

Nearly all twenty-five participants answered this question the same: As soon as possible. Very soon. Right away. Immediately. One mother knew she wanted to try again very soon while she was still carrying her daughter.

Point is, if you are having intense feelings of a new pregnancy — you aren’t alone. We all feel it.

How long did you wait to try again?

“I heard to wait three months, six months and nine months. We waited seven and very glad we did… gave myself time to grieve Cara.” – Laura

We don’t have a clear answer to this, but on average the census is three months. It’s very important to listen to your doctors as we are not medical experts. On a personal note, my doctor advised us to wait three cycles which did not add up to three months.

Allow your mind, body and soul to heal. Emotions run wild after any type of loss, we urge you to be gentle on yourself and not make trying again become a race against others.

How did you discuss trying again with your partner?

“Keep the lines of communication open. You need to talk to each other about your feelings. Be there for your spouse. ” – Sara

Whether it is brought up in a casual conversation or by your doctor, deciding to try again must be a mutual agreement. One cannot be rushed into anything, especially TTC. While men might keep their pain hidden, that does not mean they are not grieving. Make sure you are both ready and able to make the next step together.

What is sex like now?

“Come to bed, I’m ovulating. – Lindsay

Lets be honest here, TTC sucks. But TTC after loss sucks even more. It’s hard to let loose and be spontaneous when we only have a 12-24 hour fertile window to act on. Plus, what’s sexy about egg-white cervical fluid? And forget all the questions floating around your head. Will this be it? How many more times do we have to do this? Just try to shut your brain up, get busy and remember you’re burning calories too!

Some suggest going on a vacation or rent a hotel room for a night or two. Some suggest just letting go, and it will happen. You just have to do what is right for you, even if it involves a margarita or three.

Are you using anything to help you conceive?

“If someone told me to eat dirt every Tuesday of the month to get pregnant I would have.” – Grieve Out Loud founder, Julie

Move over old-fashioned way, we’ve entered the digital age! There are lots of ways to take control of your fertility. A friend of mine sent me her copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility and it literally changed my life. Once you understand how your body works, timing intercourse can become a lot easier on you both.

Charting is a very easy and integral part of TTC. Buy yourself a basal body thermometer and become best friends with Fertility Friend. It is amazing to watch your cycles play out before your eyes.

Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs) were also mentioned by some. You can pick these up nearly anywhere and are generally a little pricey, but if you shop online you can find some really great deals (some including pregnancy tests as well.)

Other women mention the need for medication or vitamins such as clomid, metformin, progesterone and soy isoflavones. Of course, women dealing with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF), Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) et cetera have their own list of meds to follow.

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Next we will be exploring the time-line of how long it took these participants to conceive, the emotions involved in negative tests, early weeks of pregnancy achievement, and much more!